Call Me The Gnome
lyrics and melody by Cat Faber 2019

Of average stature and modest demeanor
I’m oft overlooked in the strife
So here is a ditty to help you remember
My name, with the tales of my life

(chorus)
The weaver of words and the master of music,
I’m fabled where-ever I roam
I’m Hamish McTamish O’Grady MacGuyver
But you can just call me the gnome!

I was earning my bread as a firework salesman
And giving the mountains a tour
When over the hill came a big fuming dragon
And I thought I’d had it for sure
I thought that my days of fast living were over
The bill from the piper was finally due
But luckily I came out smelling like roses
Cause dragons like fireworks too!

Chorus

I know that I stepped in the trap that was wired
To set all the rust monsters free,
But the blade that went over my head would have killed you
You ought to be glad it was me!
There was a trap here, but I have disarmed it,
You’re lucky to have my quick hands and cool head
Look at the darts that are stuck in my armor
They could have hit your legs instead!

Chorus

I encountered some trolls and my best evocations
Had all been used up in the strife
Then had the misfortune to meet with a squadron
Of elves, as I ran for my life
“Why yes, there’s a fire—oh, *I* didn’t set it;
That was the trolls you can see down below—
And with all of the trolls unaccountably dead
There is no one to say it’s not so.”

Chorus

I know it looks odd that I’m laden with gems;
While your guardsmen are nursing a grudge
That some of your jewels are gone from the market,
But folks, don’t be hasty to judge
For Kirsi the Litch Queen, the scourge of High Darvish
Turns out has a soft spot for kittens, who knew?
I rescued her cat, and this knapsack of jewels;
Are simply her thanks shining through!

Chorus

Of average stature and modest demeanor,
I’m oft overlooked in the strife,
So here is a ditty to help you remember
My name, with the tales of my life.
I have to confess it was all accidental
Which just means my greatness cannot be denied
I’m pick of the litter; just pause to consider
The things I could do if I tried!

The weaver of light and the master of music
I’m fabled where-ever I roam;
I’m Hamish McTamish O’Grady MacGuyver--
The firework salesman and profit deriver
The dart trap disarmer and rust monster driver,
The scourge of the trolls, the fire conniver
The savior of cats and the lich queen survivor
My autobiography’s yours for a fiver--
But you can just call me The Gnome!